I've recently experienced a setback in my pursuit of Active Duty Chaplaincy which has made me ask the question, "Is this really God's will?"
I have often said those words to hurting people - and believed them completely - but now I'm that hurting person and I'm really struggling to believe the words that I've fallen back on so often for reassurance! I guess that I'm guilty of believing that God's perfect will is in alignment with what I have as my vision. In other words ... I conform God's will to my desires!
I have allowed God's Word - his assurance that He will give me the desires of my heart - to be molded to what I have desired as my own understanding of God's will. Here's the issue in a nutshell: I believed since 9/11 that I was supposed to serve this country as an Active Duty Chaplain. I fully believe in my heart that God called me to do that. I was notified today that I will not be given the opportunity to be boarded by the Army Chief of Chaplains' office because of my age. Obviously I am frustrated. Obviously I question, " Why?" Obviously I question my hearing God's will.
So I ask these questions and then I think: this must be something like what it's like to lose someone you love. I know it's not the same thing but when you pour your life into something for over 10 years ... It most certainly becomes like a child. It's your dream - your passion - and now it appears to be gone. What do you do? What would you do?
My mind goes through the answers I've been trained to give: nobody owes you anything, entitlement is a destructive attitude - loose it, drink water drive on, one door closes and another one opens ... Yeah, I get it but I also now understand that these words don't offer as much comfort as I believed they once did. I realize that all you can do is circle the wagons and then head back out - maybe in a new direction.
So what now? I still believe what God put in my heart 10 years ago. The question now becomes how is it going to happen?